THAT MAKES NO SENSE, ALAN BALL!

I've been thinking about doing my own recaps for True Blood, because TWoP is driving me up the wall and AV Club isn't hitting the points I have questions on - but if anyone follows the show, let me ask this - what the fuck is Eric doing with that fucked-up merry-go-round of death in the basement of his business? The police raided Fangtasia last season, how did they not find that shit? Do they go up to the locked door and are all, oh dear, this seems to be locked, best move on to the next one, nothing to see here! Why on earth would Eric put something that is so incredibly incriminating in the middle of his public base of operations, and then leave fucking Ginger of all people to stand guard during the day? That's just dumb.

This is what the bear probably looked like. Except real.

I can't decide what's a better scenario - self-aware producers or batshit insane local news? Either way, try not to shed tears of joy when you watch the poor bastard in the suit gallop the cardboard black bear across the field.

Cannonball Read #64: The Commitment by Dan Savage

I was listening to an excerpt of The Commitment on This American Life, where Savage, comforting his sick child DJ and lamenting the passage of time that separates fathers and sons, finally hears DJ say that if Savage and his boyfriend get married, it will be alright with him. It was poignant, and wonderful, and all the other things pseudo-hipsters like me are supposed to find essays on NPR to be, so I picked up a copy.

The Commitment, written in 2006, discusses all aspects of gay marriage - from it's place in the political landscape in the US to Savage's mom's opinion to how America's Hat seems to have gotten their act together much more quickly. Also, an awkward fetish fulfillment involving sheetcake and a bathtub - this is, after all, Dan Savage. The excerpt was easily the best part of the book;Savage is a capable writer, he's funny and even occasionally witty and clearly knows what he's talking about when it comes to the issue at hand. He tackles gay marriage from every possible angle, but it's the personal discussions - where he and his boyfriend Terry are deciding whether or not they should get married - that are the most effective, because it makes it a decision that isn't political but personal; its a question every straight couple asks themselves, so why should it be any different with gay couples?

There are a few issues standing in their way, obviously; for one thing, it's 2005 and gay marriage isn't recognized in Seattle (or anywhere else bar Massachusetts*), they're not even sure they want to get married, and even if they did their own son wouldn't want to go to the ceremony because, as he puts it, only a girl and a boy can get married. Why? Because.

It's one thing to hear such an argument from a child - after all, small children live in worlds where all things are black and white and logic and progress and objectivity may well be meaningless in the face of such stalwart parental reasoning as "because I said so". But it's a different kettle of fish altogether to hear the same thing coming from the mouths of adults. There may very well be valid arguments against gay marriage, but I have yet to hear one; and every ridiculous 'that's the way it's always been' or 'won't somebody think of the children?!' is neatly taken apart, and those espousing them rightfully taken to task.

But Fears and Queers no longer dominates the political landscape, and (clusterfuck in Cali aside), this no longer seems to be that country; rather, we are (very) slowly yet inevitably marching along to a future where gay marriage, if not commonplace or widely accepted, will at the very least be legal. I'm not saying the book feels dated, because it's not; just because there are fewer marriage amendment advocates now doesn't mean they're any less visible. But there is a certain level of 'I know this already' going through my mind when reading the political parts of the book; which is a good thing, I guess. You could probably skip over that stuff if political stuff bores you; but it's definitely worth reading if only for the personal discussions and revelations about what it is to be a part of a gay family struggling with this issue.


*Because we're better than everyone else in the union, obvs.

Help me help me help me!

So, after spending three hours in the car after a particularly bad/dumb car accident created a traffic jam from hell, I ran out of shit to listen to on my ipod. So, in the interests of not going crazy while commuting, do any of you have ideas for good podcasts to download? I usually smodcast/lovecast/This American Life it up, but I need new material!

What. The. Fuck.

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(in no particular order)

100. You're so wise. You're like a minature buddha covered in hair.

99. I love scotch. Scotchy scotch scotch. Here it goes down, down into my belly.

98. I'm gonna straight up murder your ass.

97. It smells like a used diaper, filled with Indian food.

96. Great story. Compelling. And rich.

95. Take me to pleasure town! Oh, we're going there.

94. It's called Sex Panther by Odeon. It's illegal in nine countries... Yep, it's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good.

93. It stings the nostrils.

92. 60% of the time, it works every time.

91. Well... Let's go see if we can make this little kitty purr.

90. I know that one day Veronica and I are gonna to get married on top of a mountain, and there's going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. And we will dance till the sun rises. And then our children will form a family band. And we will tour the countryside and you won't be invited.

89. Oh Ron, there are literally thousands of other men that I should be with instead, but I am 72 percent sure that I love you.

88. I'm not a baby. I am a man! An anchorman!

87. I'm a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That's what kind of man I am. You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It's science.

86. You are a smelly pirate hooker.

85. You look like a blueberry.

84. Oh Audrey - I look like hell! I got bags under my eyes. What's that? Well if you were a man, I'd punch you. Punch you right in the mouth. That's bush. Bush league. YOU HEAR ME? AUDREY! LOOK AT ME! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Alright?

83. You've got a dirty whorish mouth.

82. Ladies and gentlemen, can I please have your attention. I've just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story. I need all of you, to stop what you're doing and listen. Cannonball!

81. For just one night let’s not be Co-workers. Let's be Co-people.

80. What? You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole... wheel of cheese? How'd you do that? Heck, I'm not even mad; that's amazing.

79. I don't know how to put this but I'm kind of a big deal.

78. What, you guys can't say one thing? Even the guy that can't think said something. You guys just stand there? Come on.

77. Ohh, it's the deep burn. Oh, it's so deep. Oh, I can barely lift my right arm 'cause I did so many. I don't know if you heard me counting. I did over a thousand.

76. Sweet Lincoln's mullet.

75. I'm in a glass case of emotion!

74. You stay classy, San Diego. I'm Ron Burgundy?
Dammit. Who typed a question mark on the Teleprompter?

73. That's how I roll.

72. You know I don't speak Spanish.

71. Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island?

70. It is anchor*man*, not anchor*lady*. And that is a scientific fact.

69. Loud noises!

68. Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale's vagina.
No, there's no way that's correct.
I'm sorry, I was trying to impress you. I don't know what it means. I'll be honest, I don't think anyone knows what it means anymore. Scholars maintain that the translation was lost hundreds of years ago.
Doesn't it mean Saint Diego?
No. No.
No, that's - that's what it means. Really.
Agree to disagree.

67. Go fuck yourself, San Diego.

66. I immediately regret this decision.

65. I'm gonna punch you in the ovary, that's what I'm gonna do. A straight shot. Right to the babymaker.

64. Boy, that escalated quickly... I mean, that really got out of hand fast.

63. Brick, where did you get a hand grenade?

62. A lot of you have been hearing the affiliates complaining about a lack of diversity on the news team.
What in the hell's diversity?
Well, I could be wrong, but I believe diversity is an old, old wooden ship that was used during the Civil War era.
Ron, I would be surprised if the affiliates were concerned about the lack of an old, old wooden ship, but nice try.

61. I will smash your face into a car windshield, and then take your mother, Dorothy Mantooth, out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again.

60. Ron, I know it sounds harsh, but God does not want her to live.

59. I woke up on the floor of some Japanese family's rec room, and they would NOT stop screaming.

58. The only way to bag a classy lady is to give her two tickets to the gun show and see if she likes the goods.

57. Hello? Who's there, I'm talkin? Hello? Who is this? Baxter... is that you? Baxter! Bark twice if your in Milwaukee... Is this Wilt Chamberlain? Have the courage to say something! Hello?

56. Great Odin's raven!

55. You're a real hooker. I'm gonna slap you in public.

54. I'm gonna shoot you with a BB gun when you're not looking. Yep, back of the head.

53. Good evening, San Diego. I'm Veronica Corningstone. Tits McGee is on vacation.

52. The human torch was denied a bank loan.

51. milk was a bad choice.

50. I would like to extend to you an invitation to the pants party.

49. Oh, Baxter, you are my little gentleman. I'll take you to foggy London town 'cause you are my little gentleman. Wow, this burrito is delicious, but it is filling.

48. Tell me about it, this morning, I woke up and I shit a squirrel, but what I can?t get is the damn thing is still alive. So now, I've got a shit covered squirrel running around my office and I don't know what to name it.

47. Jazz flute is for little fairy boys.

46. We Bears are a proud race. They must pay for their intrusion.

45. I have no idea where he would have gotten ahold of German pornography. But you and I are mature adults; we've both seen our share of pornographic materials. Oh, you never have? Of course you haven't, how stupid of me. Neither have I. I was just speaking in generalities. Right. I'll stop by the school a little later, Sister Margaret. Bye.

44. Son of a bee-sting.

43. Where'd you get your clothes... from the... toilet store?

42. You stay classy, San Diego.

41. I pooped a hammer.

40. I didn't know that the Salvation Army was having a sale?

39. She was Brazilian, or Chinese, or something weird. I met her in the bathroom of a K-Mart and we made out for hours. Then we parted ways, never to see each other again.

38. I love lamp.

37. Put down the gun, and let the marching band go. We'll play it off as a prank.

36. I'm Brick Tamland. People seem to like me because I am polite and I am rarely late. I like to eat ice cream and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks. Years later, a doctor will tell me that I have an I.Q. of 48 and am what some people call mentally retarded.

35. Not so fast, you ingrates. Public News Team is taking a break from its pledge drive to kick some ass. No commercials, no mercy.

34. If you want to throw down fisticuffs, fine. I've got Jack Johnson and Tom O'Leary waiting for ya, right here.

33. I'm storming your castle on my steed, m'lady.

32. Knights of Columbus, that hurt.

31. Mr. Burgundy, you have a *massive* erection.

30. By the beard of Zeus.

29. I read somewhere their periods attract bears. Bears can smell the menstruation.
Well, that's just great. You hear that, Ed? Bears. Now you're putting the whole station in jeopardy.

28. I ate fiberglass insulation. It wasn't cotton candy like the guy said... my tummy itches.

27. I'm proud of you fellas. You all kept your head on a swivel, and that's what you gotta do when you find yourself in a vicious cock fight.

26. I believe it's jogging or yogging. it might be a soft j.

25. Hey everyone come see how good I look!

24. People call me the Bry man; I'm the stylish one of the group. I know what you're asking yourself and the answer is yes. I have a nick name for my penis. Its called the Octagon, but I also nick named my testes - my left one is James Westfall and my right one is Doctor Kenneth Noisewater. You ladies play your cards right you just might get to meet the whole gang.

23. Tonight's top story: The sewers run red with Burgundy's blood.

22. Uncle Jonathan's corn-cob pipe!

21. I did *not* see that coming.

20. Um, Brick, before I let you go, are you still having your celebrity golf tournament?
Um, no, no. Too many people died last year, so we're not gonna.

19. It's all right, my sweet chinchilla.

18. I'm expressing my inner anguish THROUGH THE MAJESTY OF SONG!

17. Champ here! I'm all about havin' fun. You know, get a couple cocktails in me, start a fire in someone's kitchen. Maybe go to SeaWorld, take my pants off. Anyway, I kinda known for my catch phrase WHAMMY! As in Gene Tenace at the plate... iiittt WHAMMY! WHAMMY!

16. Hit 'em in the uvula!

15. Let's go over the groundrules. Rule number 1: No touching of the hair or face... AND THAT'S IT!

14. What do you say if we go out on a date? Have some chicken, maybe some sex... You know, see what happens.

13. Look, the most glorious rainbow ever!
Do me on it!

12. Smells like Bigfoot's dick.

11. Panda Watch. The mood is tense; I have been on some serious, serious reports but nothing quite like this. I uh... Ching... King is inside right now. I tried to get an interview with him, but they said no, you can't do that he's a live bear, he will literally rip your face off.

10. Oh Ron, there are literally thousands of other men that I should be with instead, but I am 72 percent sure that I love you.

9. Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island?

8. I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.

7. I don't know what we're yelling about!

6. And I'm Tits... I'm Ron Burgundy.

5. Brick killed a guy. Did you throw a trident?
Yea, there were horses and a man on fire and I killed a guy with a trident.
Brick, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You should find yourself a safe house or a relative close by because you're probably wanted for murder.

4. I wanna say something. I'm gonna put it out there; if you like it, you can take it, if you don't, send it right back. I want to be on you.

3. What is that? It smells like a turd covered in burnt hair.

2. Hey, you're making me look stupid. Get out of here, panda jerk!

1. I ate a big, red candle.

Nerd Questions I Ask Myself To Stay Busy

So, today while covering for the receptionist I started thinking about how vampires smell. I'm not really sure how I got on the subject, but bear with me here: in the Sookie Stackhouse universe, vampires have excellent senses of smell but food tastes like dirt to them (actually, that's how it works in most vampire mythologies). But smell and taste are inexoribly linked in the brain; so much so that sometimes your brain messes up the signals and you smell what you taste and taste what you smell. So, if all food tastes bad, then wouldn't all food smell bad, too?

Maybe not; I mean, if we presume that Sookie can interpret other people's brainwaves and that's how she reads people's minds, than the fact that she cannot read vampire minds could mean that they don't have brainwaves (being, you know, dead). So if they don't have brain waves, then their brain can't receive and interpret signals from the world around them. I gather this means that what they smell and taste, and by extension hear, see, and touch, doesn't get perceived in the biochemical way it does for humans. But if that's the case, then how do they perceive reality?

I guess the obvious answer is magic, but I call bullshit on that explanation. Vampire Bill has a great line in True Blood about biomechanics where he says that knowing how something works doesn't mean that it doesn't also work by magic. Conversely, just because it works by magic doesn't mean we shouldn't be able to figure out how it works. Damn you fictional beings! Why can't you be real so we can study your biology?

Also, if used half the brainpower I just spent thinking about this during school, I probably wouldn't have dropped out.

Cannonball Read # 58-63 - The Outlander Series by Diana Galbadon

I basically read 6 long-ass books in about 3 weeks (yay unemployment!). Sometimes I just get obsessed with things that aren't really that awesome to begin with. The first book got me so hooked that I shelled out for the rest of them and didn't stop reading until I got Galbadon fatigue. So then I ignored posting reviews for them because I had pretty much stopped giving a shit, which means I sort of painted myself into a corner on these reviews - It's just shy of 7000 pages of a series I finished last month, and many of the subtler plot points escape me.

The series starts off when Claire, a former WWII nurse on her second honeymoon in Scotland, accidentally falls through the stones and ends up 200 years in the past, where she meets and, over the course of 400 pages, grows attracted to, and is forced to marry, then falls in love with Jamie MacKenzie Fraser. Their relationship works for a while, but the problem is Galbadon makes them super-characters: even their flaws are about how perfect they are. Jamie's a flawless leader and a perfect husband; Claire's a respected healer and just independent enough to ruffle 18th century sensibilities without offending 20th century housewives reading along. Their love is strong, pious, loyal, blah blah blah. Sure, they hit some rough patches, but for the most part they're cloyingly perfect together. Jamie and Claire use her knowledge of history in order to try and put a stop to the Jacobite Rising, but this doesn't work (because you can't change the past), and at the end of book 2 Jamie sends a pregnant Claire back through the stones and resigns himself to certain death. As there are more books in the series, he clearly doesn't die; though for twenty years Claire presumes he did die after leaving her. When she finds out he lived, she resolves to leave her daughter Brianna in the 20th century and go back to him. They dick around Scotland for a while before going on a wild goose chase to save Jamie's nephew from pirates in the West Indies (it's better than it sounds) and eventually settle in North Carolina.

My favorite part of the series is the history of it. Galbadon does an incredible job researching 18th century highland traditions and customs, and the characters she creates in Scotland are complicated, flawed, and unforgettable - the Colum/Dougal dynamic particularly. The same research works for (book 2) French high society, the politicking of the Jacobite Rising and (book 3) the horrors of post-Culloden Scotland (it's a battle, look it up, bitches). The West Indies (book 4) are also interesting, as is the descriptions of the voyages crossing the Atlantic, but the books in America just really blew it for me.

Maybe it's just my own preference, but there is really nothing romantic about the colonial south to me (books 4, 5, 6). Maybe colonial New England - god, I would give anything to go back in time and fuck 1760s Benjamin Franklin, I don't care if he's riddled with STIs - but nothing happens in backwoods North Carolina in the 1770s. The political intrigue and eco/social conflicts and history lessons are the greatest parts of the first three books, so when the last 3 don't have that, they got boring, fast. The philosophical ramblings on time travel and fate and the nature of man that work so well in the first three books fall flat in the last three, because philosophy without action in the middle is just boring.

The back half of the series also suck because they put half the focus on Brianna, the 20th century daughter of Claire and Jamie, who travels back in time to save her parents from being killed in a fire she reads about in a historical songbook (yeah, I didn't really get that part either), and her soon-to-be husband Roger who follows her. It was hard for me to connect to these characters because every situation they face, they do the exact opposite of what I would do. I know that's not really a fair reason to hate a character, but fuck you, it's my review and I'll say what I like.

Recommendations: Read the first two books, and if you like them, try the third. But unless you're really hard up for shit to do, skip the last three. Also, I'm thinking about picking up a Lord John book - he's probably the greatest character of the back half of the series - a gay governor who wants to fuck Jamie, but he can't because Jamie's uptight like that, so he raises Jamie's bastard son instead.

Workday Conversations

CM: Those girls on the Hills are hot.
Me: But they're so dumb.
CM: I'll just watch it with the sound off.
Me: Why don't you just watch real porn?
CM: Eh, I'm married.

SUMMER TV SHOW BONANZA!!!

Ah, summer. It's gorgeous outside which means, of course, that my ass will be parked in front of the tv. Join me, won't you?

Shows You Should Watch, Because I'm Watching Them, and That Way We Can Talk About Them Together

Burn Notice

Bruce Cambell + the Snark + Linen suiting + explotions = Burn Notice kicks ass. I don't know what else to tell you - just watch it, absorb the helpful tips on bombmaking and negotiating with kidnappers, and enjoy the ride.

True Blood

Here's the thing: I know HBO and Showtime and all those other expensive channels my parents are too cheap to shell out for* have great new and returning programming, like Weeds and that nurse show with Edie Falco and Mr. Bigschlong the chem teacher, but I can only illegally download so many shows, so I'm going with True Blood. The first season was most definitely flawed, but it was also wicked entertaining. As long as they keep up with the brilliant guest stars, lush cinematography, great soundtracks, and boobs, I can handle bad accents and hit-me-over-the-head symbolism. Plus, Alex Skarsgard. Mmmmmm.

Mad Men

So maybe I forgot to give my mom a card or flowers on mother's day, and forgot her birthday, but I did get her hooked on Mad Men, so I think we're even. Jon Hamm, Elizabeth Moss, and Bigtits McRedhead are absolutely brilliant to watch.

Saving Grace

Yeah, it's a police drama, but Holly Hunter is fantastic, especially when making out with hot-ass Ham, and while normally references to God and Angels and shit make me uncomfortable, Saving Grace doesn't really bother me so much. Mostly because it's characters are so flawed and human, but also because I'd like to go drinking with Earl.

Eureka

Yeah, yeah, stupid sci-fi show on cyfi (blergh), but it's cute, funny, features a handsome sheriff, and has crazy, awesomely bad special effects. What more could you want?

Psych

I realize that the comedy behind Pysch is a very particular brand, but Sean and Gus are funny as hell, if also incredibly juvenile and rediculous. It's an excellent replacement for actually, you know, going out and doing something friday nights.


Shows I'll Be Giving A Chance This Summer

Royal Pains

I'm willing to give this a chance even though it looks stupid, becuase I generally like original USA programming. And it comes on after Burn Notice, so I might as well just keep the TV on.

Warehouse 13

I don't know why I'm giving this a chance, because it looks cheesy as hell, but goddamn it, I love me some monster of the week shit. I can't help it, I'm nerdy.

The Goode Family

Yes, it sucks. But so did King of the Hill in the first season, and eventually it became one of my favorite shows. I'm willing to tough it out through the painfully unfunny beginning in the hopes that it will turn awesome.

Surviving Suburbia

In general, Bob Saget is painfully unfunny as an actor (Half-Baked excepted), but just look at this picture: the hose is impotent, just like suburban family males. It's a metaphor, get it? Yeah, maybe I'll just skip this one.

Philantropist

Basically, a sexy Bill Gate runs around saving poor orphans or some shit. Whatever, it features James Purefoy, so maybe he'll fuck slaves or something like in Rome.

Shows That If You Watch, We Can't Be Friends

Denise Richards - It's complicated

Fuck you.

*Yes, I live with my parents. Shut up.